I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
