I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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