I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize