Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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