i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
