I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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