I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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