Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
