She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
