ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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