Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
