i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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