You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
