apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize