She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
sarcasm needs its own font
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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