shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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