Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
