Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
