The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
