Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
