I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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