I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
