I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
