woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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