She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
