Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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