why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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