Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
