I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
