I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
