fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
