she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
