How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
