Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
