Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
