she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
