You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she peed on how many people?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize