Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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