i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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