I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
