there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize