How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
