I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
