he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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