You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
