You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
