i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
