I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
