my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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