Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
just tell him i said nine months
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
