your room smells of hookers.
And success
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
