i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
