I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
