i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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