I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
