Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
