The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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