I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
