Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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