Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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