i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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