My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
