He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
