i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
