Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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